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What more you want?

Posted by Sathyamurthy www.sathyamurthy.com on June 14, 2007

What more? A scapegoat
Siddhartha Mishra

Okay, this is purely fiction. But why let facts get in the way when the only language that Indian cricket understands is true lies?

The first casualty of any crisis is the truth. And the truth is that every crisis has a scapegoat. Find the scapegoat and you defuse the crisis. Since the TV in the corner is yet to break the news, one can only imagine that the grapevine has been sluggish this morning. So here it is then, exclusively for you: Dav Whatmore is the scapegoat in Coachgate.

By the time you finish reading this, you are bound to feel exclusive. As the scapegoat, Dav Whatmore already feels exclusive. Here is an exclusive piece not penned by him.

Dear Indian cricket fans,

If I were handed over the reins of the BCCI (which infers the organisation has reins, something I’m not always convinced about), and asked to sort out Coachgate, what would be my course of action? Well, after my recent experience with the BCCI in Bangladesh, what else but a series of secret interviews!

Dav Whatmore: You have a finger on the pulse of Indian cricket. Where is it headed?

Greg Chappell: Can I use my middle finger to answer that question?

Dav Whatmore: Sure, mate. Just make sure it’s pointing upwards and towards the office-bearers of the BCCI.

Dav Whatmore: Please repeat this as fast as you can: Chandu ke chacha ne Chandu ki chachi ko Chandni Chowk mein chandi ke chammach se chutney chatai.

N Srinivasan: That’s good news. There will certainly be no embarrassment now. If 72-year-old Chandu (Borde) refuses to become interim cricket manager, his 102-year-old chacha seems to be just the man for the job. And chachi can go to Ireland and England too, with their chutney bottles.

Dav Whatmore: Is making money the only thing on the BCCI’s mind?

Lalit Modi: No, we also plan to make chutney now. Thanks to me, ever since the BCCI was reborn with a chandi ki chammach in its mouth, it has become our right to sell exclusive marketing, media, TV rights etc to this chutney that Chandu’s chacha feeds his chachi.

Dav Whatmore: Subsequent to the candidate you recommended, Graham Ford, showing his backside to the offer, when do you think India’s hunt for a coach will end?

Rahul Dravid: The processes are in place, the results will follow.

Dav Whatmore: Would you elaborate?

Rahul Dravid: Yes. The processes are in place, the results will follow.

Dav Whatmore: What was it like to be a dummy candidate for the coach’s job?

John Emburey: I’m no dummy! It gets awfully cold for us middle-sex folks back home and the BCCI provided me with an all-expenses-paid trip to sunny Chennai for no rhyme or reason. Who’s the dummy then?

Dav Whatmore: Who is the captain of the Indian cricket team?

Chandu Borde: You see, I was pleasantly surprised when the board made me manager. But you know, I have the experience to do this job.

Dav Whatmore: Who is the captain of the Indian cricket team?

Chandu Borde: You know, Gaurav Ganguly was a good captain. But the young man who has succeeded him, David, is equally good. You know, I also have experience at forgetting names.

Dav Whatmore: This team has a cricket manager, batting coach, bowling coach, fielding coach, assistant coach, physiotherapist, analyst, bio-mechanist. How exactly will a coach contribute?

Sharad Pawar: The issue will be taken up at the next BCCI meeting, which will be convened as per my convenience and everybody’s inconvenience. Since I am normally free to attend presentations made by prospective coaches and support staff only after 8:30 pm, you can say that I always sleep over the BCCI’s problems.

Dav Whatmore: Did you always plan to say ‘no’ to the BCCI?

Graham Ford: Yes. As N Srinivasan has repeatedly pointed out, it was always a question of ‘when’ and not ‘if’. But I would like to state that I am honoured by the BCCI’s offer to me to embarrass it. You never say never to such an offer.

Unfortunately, Niranjan Shah could not be interviewed as he was rushed to hospital with what turned out to be a severe case of foot-in-mouth. Doctors ascribed the condition to the excessive use of the term ‘leading candidate’ by Shah after his recent visit to Bangladesh, and treated the condition by surgically sewing his mouth shut, a move which has won wide acclaim from the entire cricketing world.

As you can see, no harm has been done. This Coachgate thing was always waiting to happen, but this too shall pass. After all, studies have shown that the only creatures that would survive a global nuclear war would be cockroaches and Indian cricket administrators. And so, in the best traditions of the BCCI, I am the leading candidate to be the scapegoat for whatever has happened.

And no, I don’t see any justification in the view that Indian cricket has gone to the dogs, although I do acknowledge and appreciate the nutritional value that such cash-fed ineptitude would provide in such an instance.

Yours sincerely? Thanks, but no thanks.

Dav Whatmore

Have you seen my other blog?

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